So I’ve been avoiding writing down all my feelings. Maybe because I don’t want to admit how much it killed me. Or maybe because I don’t want to come to terms with it? I mean I know I should. There is nothing I can do. I feel in love and from the beginning knew it wasn’t going to work out. He’s in the Navy and that would always come first. I cant say I regret falling in love with him because he is a good guy. And from the beginning we connected in a different level. I could sit and talk to him all day long about useless stuff. I let him talk about a future together. We were going to get engaged in 4 years when he was out of the Navy, We would go to New York to celebrate our engagement and was where the wedding was going to take place. Then we would move to Orlando where we would live for a while. We had agreed that we wanted to live in a city before moving to a small town when we wanted to start a family. 4 kids. There was only one name he wouldn’t compromise on. He wanted his first son to be named after him. Just like he was named after his dad. I thought it was cute. Things where great for a while then he found out where he was going to be deployed to and things went downhill. He got it in his head that it wasn’t fair for me to wait for him. Yet I wanted to. He started to distance himself. We meet up to go on a date and I couldn’t of asked for a better day with him. He was a gentleman. Held my hand the whole time. From the time we got in the car to the drive back to base. He said he loved me at least a hundred times that night. I believed him every time. Just the other day I said goodbye for good. I cant sit here and pretend like we can be friends when we cant. What hurts the most is watching someone who says they love you be able to walk away so easily. Not even fight you on it.
Then I feel like the biggest bitch! I lost my temper one night and just went off on my friend when she wasn’t at fault. Sometimes controlling my feelings is hard. And I go off on someone who isn’t at fault. And I am sorry. I should of watched my words and not said half the things I said. But I couldn’t help it. That is how I felt. And I really am sorry.
Then there is my other friend. He is a great guy who deserves to be with someone who isn’t going to hurt him. And he admitted to having a crush on me. I can’t give him what he needs from me and I hate knowing I hurt him. That was never what I wanted to do. I still don’t even understand why he likes me. He could do so much better! My life is a mess as it is he shouldn’t have to be brought into that. He needs someone who has their life in order and I cant give him that. And I am so sorry to have to put him trough all of that. I want him to be happy and I hate knowing he’s hurting. And even if I was able to have a relationship it wouldn’t work out.
In all honestly im done with feelings.
You were never suppose to mean this much to me; I was never supposed to fall so hard. But you know what? I did and that’s the truth, thats what keeps me holding on because it hurts like hell to let you go.